A Peacefulness that is difficult to define

I like the epic swells of music and heavy beats with the music of Dido and Jem. The perfect production goes with the earnest lyrics. I also like the acoustic guitar twangs and bizarre lyrical descriptions of indie folk music. I’ve been listening to Pandora stations on my iPod a lot recently. The quirky folk music is on the Laura Veirs station. Most of the other artists I’ve never heard of before.

Maybe my extremes in music taste carry over into all different parts of my life. I can be upset or happy alternately, throughout the day. I am probably more emotional than the average person, but everyone can be emotional sometimes, so mostly it’s probably just dramatically human.

Or maybe there was a reason I was so overly emotional. I had something bitter from the past lodged in my soul. It was like looking at the world through a sinister lens while the bitterness remained. Of course, I claimed to not understand the concept of forgiveness because I felt like I could never condone the past at all, but mostly I just didn’t want to let go of my sad story.

I spoke with my husband for a long time yesterday afternoon. The day had been full of emotional ups and downs for me. I was bringing turmoil into a perfectly serene and lovely environment. It was time to dislodge the bitterness by talking it out with the person who cares about me.

Music can conjure up a past time and place. But anything else can conjure up memories too. When you get to a certain age, if you don’t let go, everything around you rings with distorted memories and strange emotions that should be forgotten. You’ve got to let go and allow yourself to be unconditioned to your surroundings. It’s no good to live in an antique photo album of your life when your life is yearning to move forward to things that are brand new and dazzling in a unique way that cannot be referenced to the past.

After the long, emotional talk with my husband, I felt like I could enjoy everything with new eyes. Without even trying, I felt completely peaceful later on in the evening. That morning I had been completely anxious for no clear reason. Now I felt peaceful just sitting and knitting and listening to music. The pure contentment was a wonderful feeling that I had long been in search of. I needed help to get there.

This morning as I was walking to the car I noticed four buds of flowers on a vine. Less than an hour later when I returned, the flowers had blossomed and opened beautifully. It didn’t even take as long as I would have thought, yet I couldn’t have completely predicted the future and that everything would work out.

I’m still knitting a lot. Working on a purple mitten that is a big challenge. I’m counting stitches, rows and rows of purple. I read a funny book and laughed out loud enthusiastically.

I was previously holding myself up to an impossibly high standard that didn’t allow me to enjoy any of the frequent charming moments in life. I think now I have finally turned off the “so what?” voice in my head that was ruining everything.

Even something totally unique can inspire you to be totally uniquely creative yourself. That’s how it is with good books and good music for me often. My husband and I have made a deal with each other to have rough drafts of our creative pursuits by the end of the year. It’s awesome to have a special person to plan wonderful things with and to be able to cheer each other on as we do fabulous things.

So, I watch as the fragment of bitterness floats away, getting lost high up in the atmosphere and finally leaving me in peace. (smile.)