Slowly Finding Contentment

I am at home with my husband relaxing after a long day.  It is wonderful and peaceful.  I’ve been able to relax and be naturally happy a lot more easily and enjoyable the past two days.  It is wonderful to be able to build a life with my husband out of the values that are important to both of us, like calm, serene living and love and respect.

I think I am finally getting to the point where meditation is affecting my daily mood.  I meditated twice today for about 20 minutes each time and it really helped me balance things out.  Today was the first time I was really able to see my mood level out in a really clear way.

I started reading Roberto Bolano’s book 2666 today.  It is supposed to be the best novel of the 21^st century so far and it is said to be a really great experience to read it.  I’m just barely starting to read it of course, but I think I am going to try to read the whole thing and try to really get into it.  I haven’t been reading much fiction at all recently, so it should be a lot of fun.

When I put the book down and walked into the other room, I realized that a particular book, no matter how good it is, is not going to tell me anything wise or illuminating about how to live myself or about a grand purpose to everything.  I realized that I have been searching for a meaning to life in the wrong way.

I have really been searching for a meaning to life for a very long time now.  And then this afternoon it dawned on me that I am never going to find it because there is not one grand purpose to life that can be spelled out.  I think instead of any type of meaning, there is just the actual experience of living life, that’s it.

It was slightly emotional for me to realize this for myself.  I’m happy with my temporary conclusion, but it was still a little emotional since I have spent so many years with such a strange, grandiose focus to my life.  Trying to shake life and make it give me what I want has not been working out.  So being able to step back and realize that I will have to be the one who comes up with the acceptance was a big deal for me.

Yesterday evening I was more relaxed and happier than I have been in a few years I think.  I wasn’t really thinking about much at all, I just felt really great and happy to be at home and enjoying hanging out with my husband.  After lots of moods and lots of drama, slowly finding contentment is a new and different feeling.

So yeah, life is a lot more simple than I ever could have thought.  It is simple yet very rich.  I know that I have been the one tying my own psyche up in knots, but everything is slowly working out, so I guess that’s just the way things needed to be.