Learning from a Bad Day

An interesting thing happened this week.  I thought I was choosing a week of peace and quiet.  I’ve been relaxing, doing a lot of knitting, some reading and writing.  Some of the time this week has been very relaxing.  BUT.  Today was no fun.  Today was very stressful and it’s hard to say exactly why.

Even though I wanted to take it easy and allow myself to be happy, I felt very anxious today.  I found myself dwelling on negative past memories.

Yesterday afternoon I felt very content.  I listened to the pleasant book-on-cd “Espresso Tales” about life in fictional Edinburgh by Alexander McCall Smith.  I finished knitting the cool scarf that I started last week.  Contentment was finally mine.  I was pretty thrilled by the experience of contentment, which is rare for me.

I expected to be about to repeat the feelings of contentment by doing almost the same things again.  I spent time in the same comfortable room.  I thought it would be great.  Instead, negativity and anxiety found me.  Then, I kind of found thoughts about bad memories to go with my bad mood, which of course only escalated my nasty mood.

I fought against the bad mood all day long.  Why me?  I thought.  Why can’t I decide when I want to have a pleasant day?  I thought I had all the factors of a pleasant day in place.  I thought I had created the perfect scenario for happiness.

In late afternoon after my mini laptop gave me difficulties, I hit the roof.  I felt incredibly frustrated.  Frustration is one of my least favorite feelings (which is probably understandable to many people).  I kept myself from throwing the laptop across the room, so at least I had some sense left.

I talked to my husband on the phone, and I was pretty livid.  I thought it was horribly unfair that I should feel so bad when I was trying to use perfect conditions to feel good.

I got some fresh air and an iced coffee from McDonald’s and I started to feel a lot better.  It was a beautiful day outside, a sunny afternoon with a blue sky and fluffy white clouds.  I realized a few things.

Somehow I had managed to take my inexplicably bad day and learn something new from it.  I realized that I can’t shrink from life and expect to avoid all negative emotions.  Life is life.  I won’t somehow be able to outwit the worst of it and only pick the good stuff.  Life isn’t fair, but the way life randomly smacks you with new stuff to consider is pretty darn equal for everyone.

I also thought to myself, if I’m going to deal with random frustrations even when I am trying to enjoy a pleasant day surrounded by the comforts of home, I may as well get out there and do something daring and fun with my life.  I can at least try to follow my biggest dreams since I can’t sit out the drama of life entirely anyway.

Third, I’m going to have to give the majority of my inquiries into spirituality a rest for now and just be myself and try to rely on my basic smarts and common sense.  I have really been trying to be perfect in some way, also in an attempt to avoid conflict and frustration in life.  But I guess that is not the right way for me to look at it at all.  I have unreasonable expectations from life that create a foundation that falls away like sand with the slightest obstacle.  I expect life to always treat me well if I bargain with it and whine.  Guess what, that won’t work either.  I thought I could avoid all of the hurt of life somehow.  But all I can do is be strong and face the difficult stuff.

Even though my learned ideas seem harsh, they strangely make me feel a lot better.  I have more compassion for others because I think almost everyone is doing the best they can while facing life’s difficulties themselves.  I think there are many conflicts in the world that are caused by humans acting unethically and treating each other badly.  However, there is also a lot of grasping at survival going on in the world currently.  Even though none of us are perfect, we can still try to help each other in the kindest and most thoughtful ways possible.

I have renewed faith in my own strength and forward movement.  I won’t be waiting for a magical perfect moment anymore, because I don’t think that perfect moment will ever arrive.  But I can grapple with life in my own way each day and do the best I can.