Ever Mysterious

I started reorganizing my books last night.  I wanted certain subjects to show more prominence on the visible shelves.  I wanted the placement of my many books to demonstrate something about what was going on in my head.

First I put my Buddhism and spirituality books in a box to store for a while.  Then I decided to just move them from a visible shelf to a more out-of-the-way shelf.

I think Buddhism is just a place-holder for me.  I think my interest in Buddhism and spirituality creates an open space for my curiosity and not-knowing about life.

I stayed up late, watching random musicians’ performances on youtube videos.  Everyone was very polished in their musicianship, but also very raw and brave.  No apologies were made for personality quirks.  The poetry of the lyrics and music and performance were noble and starkly shimmering with artistic yearning and fervor.

People say that creativity is one of the best aspects of life.  I think it must be true.  The elegant creativity of each person’s dignified individuality is shining and brightly beautiful.

It was so late at night at this point, my inner critic must have been asleep for the night already.  So I wrote a six page free association poem.  It was pretty nonsensical, but expressed how I was feeling at that time quite freely and refreshingly.

So Buddhism is a place-holder for my reaction to life as a muddle of weirdness.  I don’t think the organization of current Buddhist groups and spiritual groups really works for me at all.  I have to go solo in my adventure of life.  But as proper society goes, Buddhism and spirituality are my labels for that unknown, bizarre quality that life is immersed in.

Some people can just let the big life questions be.  Not me.  I would be more relaxed if I could let go and admit I will never be able to neatly compartmentalize life.  But I do love getting tossed around in life’s ocean waves and currents of mystery.  So for me spirituality becomes a sense of unknowing wonder and incredulous awe-struck pondering.

The freedom of life is so broad and wide open.  I have been too caught up in fake ideas of how polite society should be and my relationship to that polite society.  Even though we all must communicate with each other, there is a side to life that is unique and bold and not easily communicated.  My brain’s landscape shifts and twists and changes.  Only my own personal awareness has my unique perspective on life.  I’m weird, but we’re all equally weird in a really beautiful and undefinable way.

My mistake has been to attempt to categorize life.  I wanted the Natural History Museum version of life:  everything fossilized and stagnant and easy to observe and comprehend.  What I get when I observe life, as is the constant, is a sense of things that defies the word “paradox.”  Life defies the neat pages of dictionaries and encyclopedias.

Meanings and definitions shimmer like hazy heat mirages above the desert road.  The tangible and intangible intertwine and weave around each other in dizzying non-patterns.  (smile.) (sigh.)  Life is really amazing, and even though I’m lost and wandering, I’m still really enjoying my time.