Knitting a Bigger Heart

By Belle

Last night after dinner I decided I was going to improve my knitting skills and learn something new.  I was going to watch youtube videos and learn how to knit socks.

It was clear that knitting socks was going to be laughably difficult for my skill level.  So I dug out all of my knitting needles, a crochet hook, some knitting books from the library, and about four balls of brightly colored yarn.

I started reading through the Stitch n Bitch book (from the library).  I think it has good steps to get me from beginner to intermediate knitting.  I may get a used copy of the book soon and work my way through the stitches and projects.

While I had all of my knitting out, I decided to finish the hat I was knitting.  Disaster!  It was too large, and yet at the same time too short.  I successfully finished the top of the hat, but it wasn’t really a hat at all.  I may turn it into a pillow, the front half of the pillow that is.

With yoga, I’ve heard that you run into all of the issues of your life while you are working on your skills on the yoga mat.  I think the same could be said of many other skills, such as working on knitting.  It makes you think.  You see a different version of an issue that you’ve been running into frequently.  Important issues will not be ignored, at least not forever.

It’s difficult for me to see how different and unique each person is.  Sometimes I see everyone as different versions of me.  But I think I need to be even more open-minded and observant than that.

When I try to look back and see where I came from and how I am the way I am, it’s difficult to see anything clearly.  Like everyone else, I am a self-made woman.  Somehow this sometimes feels lonely.  I like being unique, but it means you can’t expect to find the answers to how you should be out in the world anywhere, or even from your past.

My husband says I’m impatient.  Life takes trust.  You have to trust that the incremental progress that you make each day may someday lead to a finished project (finished product sounds too much like I’m trying to sell something).  But sometimes, even if you put a lot of work into something, the finished project isn’t what you wanted it to be.

I think this sense of impending loss is why I’ve been turning to Buddhism.  Part of me is happy to admit that I don’t know what I’m doing, and that what I’m trying to accomplish isn’t working out.

I may not ever accomplish anything impressive or significant with my life.  But that can’t be the end of the story.  There has to be a sense of satisfaction with each knitted stitch.  You can’t live for the finished project.  You have to live for each individual moment, because most likely that is all that there is.