Staying Lighthearted about Moodiness

As my semester of psychology classes closes down this week, I felt some frustration this afternoon that I didn’t do better in a few of my classes.  I got by, but my academic performance was not up to my original expectations.  I felt very disheartened and let myself feel bad about it.  But by the time the afternoon was over, things had already changed a lot for me, and I was able to transform my negative situation in a strange, roundabout way.

This is what I wrote this afternoon when I was feeling negative:

The time has come to unearth absolute honesty and to unleash my sardonic, dark, moody side.  I need to just accept the sardonic side for what it is and let it be.  I can’t keep dark moodiness shoved into a hidden closet any longer.  The weight of my dark moodiness and sorrow has become too much for some image of a petite little girl who only thinks of sunshine every day.  I am capable of being happy and cheerful, but it has gotten to the point where I have to admit that I am incapable these days of sustaining cheerfulness.  I wrestle with some dark issues and sorrowful moods.  (I am officially much more moody and extreme than a typical person.)  Like a modern, female Hamlet I just go ahead and ask myself huge, messy questions about life that most people are bright enough to let alone.

I think my aim with unleashing the shadowy side is to change my own idea of myself so that the reality matches up more with the ideals.  I have been straining each day to be happy, and it’s not working out.  However, I can still make it each day and move forward and occasionally without planning I am happy on my own.  But I have refused to have any sugar-coated version of life.  Life can be extremely harsh and difficult to take sometimes, frequently even.

By sardonic for some reason I mean that I enjoy life, but in my own ill-tempered, bleak way.  Usually sardonic means, “scornful, scathing, ironic, mocking.”  Maybe by sardonic I mean that I have a dark sense of humor about my own rage towards life.  My life is messy.  It very often takes huge detours away from anything that I could possibly want for myself.

I wasn’t trying to do anything positive when I wrote all of this.  I was just dealing with some bad emotions.  Then, within an hour or so, a strange thing happened.  When I accepted my bad mood, it automatically turned around.  Just when I thought nothing was working out for me, I handled the situation in a positive way without realizing it.

By the time I sat down to have dinner with my husband before my second class of the day, I had a lot to talk about.  When I accepted my moodiness, I also accepted that I would never be anyone else’s idea of a pristine or perfect person.  I will never be a supermodel who breezes through life and does everything perfectly with a glossy shine to everyday life.  (I doubt anyone really has that existence.)

I realized that my husband loves me the way I am.  Until now I have been saying, “yeah, but wait until you see the perfect version of me in the future.”  I haven’t been okay with myself.  I have wanted the house to look perfect, and me to look perfect, and my grades and everything else about my life to look perfect.  When everything seems messy and imperfect and I don’t accept any of it, I don’t have the energy to keep up with anything because I have set unattainable standards.

I think this afternoon’s turnaround even made me feel differently about the past.  I had wanted to change everything about my life until it was some airy, angels-singing-heavenly-tunes version of absolute perfection.  Nothing was good enough and so nothing was enjoyable with this mentality.

I still have goals now, but I am attempting to be much more realistic and accepting of who I am.  Life is messy, and I am gradually learning how to not punish myself for falling short of perfection.  The funny thing is that by accepting the messiness and imperfection, everything seems a lot more enjoyable just the way it is.