It’s okay (living a balanced, wholesome life)

I have calmed down now.  I’m not taking down my “practical rage” post because it has worked wonders on my psyche.  I’m feeling much stronger and braver now.  The past week or so has been incredible.  I have gone from crippling self-consciousness and timidness to feeling strong and proud of myself in each moment of each day.  It was a transformation that was a long time coming.

One of the most important things was to go from having a very vocal inner critic, to having confidence in my own decision making without any inner critic whatsoever.  Unfortunately, meeting a few toxic people over the years and also my own sense of creepy perfectionism had been taking its toll on me.

One important moment came when I noticed how much guilt I felt when looking at a nice present my husband had gotten me by surprise.  He bought me an expensive digital recorder so that I won’t forget the songs I write.  Completely thoughtful and caring of him.  Instead of feeling so good that I have a thoughtful husband who knows me well and cares about me, I felt guilt and I felt as if I did not deserve to own such a lovely recorder.

I had the unfortunate, and I believe incorrect, belief that there was something more moral about not “wasting” nice things on yourself.  I think it’s a tricky issue.  Obviously greed is bad.  But at the same time, living comfortably and enjoying yourself in life, I now know, is not bad.  For instance, Bill Gates is an over-the-top example.  I’m sure he lives a luxurious life.  But he and his wife also want to help others, so the Gates Foundation does help out around the world in huge ways.  It wouldn’t do anyone any good if Bill Gates gave away absolutely all of his money.  It’s okay to live well and enjoy your life.

I think I had this weird idea lurking in the back of my mind that if I denied myself enough pleasures and enough happiness, somewhere people in a far off corner of the world would somehow be better off.  Yeah, it is weird when I bring the idea into the light and put it in words like that.

I still think financially sound countries can do more to help countries and cultures that are really struggling.  I still want to help people when I can (which at this point means earning more degrees and hopefully being a psychologist one day).  But recently I am realizing that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  I can’t control how other people act or how other people may choose to see me.  But I can know that I am cheerfully living my days in the way that works best for me.