Reading & Thinking

I have been diving into some great reading and film watching recently.  I have been reading and inspired by Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird.”  Lamott is so lushly descriptive, it really creates a great reading experience that makes you want to write too.   Lamott is one of the few people I know of who will outwardly admit to being entirely human, with all of the messiness and imperfection that that means.  I have started writing because now I can tunnel to my unconscious a bit to get the material for typing out.

I am reading “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert for the second time.  I saw Gilbert speak at a theater in my hometown a few months ago.  She is very brilliantly engaging and inspiring as well.  She makes me want to just go ahead and be my own person, after she describes all that she went through to be her own person.  It’s great when strong women show their independence and demonstrate that you don’t have to give up any of your own emotions or caring or fascination with life to be your own confident, independent woman.  Gilbert also makes me stop being bashful about wanting to travel the world.  Her message seems to be, just go for it.  She gives up caring what other people think entirely as far as I can tell.  Her book is wonderfully honest and vulnerable, yet in a strong way.  It’s really incredible, and I’m really enjoying reading it again.

I have also started reading the new book “Slow Love” by Dominique Browning.  I think it is interesting that Browning is still going through so much even though she has had a successful career and successfully raised two children, all on her own.  Even though Browning is also a strong, independent woman, she has let the men in her life treat her badly, at least in the first part of the book that I have read so far.  Browning also confirms my negative view of the glamorous people in New York who glare at everyone else.  I am glad I never have to try to “make it” anywhere.  I am perfectly content to be my own type of lone person, totally unique and totally unknown always.

I feel lucky to have found my husband, who is not a typical guy at all.  It is possible for a man to be sensitive and caring and thoughtful.  From reading popular literature and seeing popular films and television you wouldn’t think it’s possible.  But there are some guys out there who are their own creative type of person, and thank goodness I happened to find my husband or I think I would have gotten more and more cynical.

I watched a yoga documentary.  It is about a skeptic who has yoga forced upon him, but he manages to stay true to his own disbelief, which is very impressive to see.  You can’t make someone be who they don’t want to be, luckily.  I think anything in life becomes what you put into it and what you make of it.

I have also started the book “A Path with Heart” by Jack Kornfield.  He seems to have a lot of great experience to pass on.  I think I like his Buddhist perspective on things.  I learned a good lovingkindness meditation from the book so far.  And I also read an interesting chapter on taking your meditation seat and then taking that awareness and grounding with you wherever you go, as if you are always sitting on your own meditation seat.  I really like this idea and I am going to try to incorporate it into my life.

After reading “A Path with Heart” this morning I was able to take off in a positive direction.  I have been putting myself in a spotlight of negativity and judgment.  I didn’t realize that it was all self-created, or at least self-sustained.  I have had to put up with a lot of nasty people throughout my life, and unfortunately I internalized unkindness and judgmentalness.  But I am leaving that behind and being my own confident person.

I have been feeling good about being myself recently.  Two evenings ago I was sitting in my comfy chair and I had an epiphany.  My path will be my own only.  I am halting the attempt to follow others and reflect what others do.  I have to be my own person totally.  It was a really great realization, that I trust myself to handle all situations in my own way and distill all information through my mind in the way that I want to, taking what I can from books and viewpoints and discarding the rest if it doesn’t work for me.  There are not really any authorities on life.  Each person is her own authority on her own life.  No one should follow anyone else, and no one should try to have any followers.  Everyone is equal and everyone’s life is unique.  What works perfectly for one person will not work the same way for anyone else.  I’ve got to cut out my own path entirely.  It’s the only way to be happy and live contentedly and well.

So, I continue to read great writing by unique individuals, while enjoying being my own strong, unique person.  Life can be good if you work to uncover the beauty in it for yourself.  I think I will still struggle at shutting out nastiness and negativity.  But overall I am confident that I can happily relish the good life that I create for myself.

Coffee and Music and Relaxing

Drinking really great local coffee right now.  Listening to some great indie pop songs on my ipod.  Enjoying relaxing and letting life just be as it is.

I was reading a really great Alan Watts essay last night.  I was also doing a lot of writing in my journal after I had also read some R.D. Laing.  I went to the used bookstore yesterday evening with my husband and I found two paperbacks from the 1960s by R.D. Laing.  It was really cool, because his books are hard to find these days.  He is a rogue psychiatrist who developed his own theories about everything.  One of his main ideas, as I understand it, is that people lose their minds for actual reasons, like feeling like outcasts and having no outlets for being themselves.

I read some pretty creative and out of the mainstream ideas a lot of times.  I think it keeps my mind going and allows me to look at things in different ways.

I still believe in doing things a proper and scientific way.  But Laing’s writing did inspire me to keep going in psychology so that I can become a therapist and help people.  My goal is to be the therapist who can really help people and who will never be patronizing to others.  I think people should always have respect for each other, even if one person is out of it and having a really difficult time.  Everyone’s life experience is different and no one’s experience is more legitimate than anyone else’s.

I also realized that I am currently living in my own idea of heaven on earth these days.  I have everything I could possibly need and the good company of my brave husband.  I surround myself with good literature and good music.  I have a really nice comfy chair.  I feel really fortunate.

I think people should absolutely be free to pursue whatever weird ideas they want to.  Even if something would never work or make sense for me, maybe it totally works for someone else’s life.  My only restraint on this is that one person’s life path can never harm another person.  Other than that, people should be weird and strange and barely understandable to others.  Maybe we should be even more bizarre individuals and really feel free to be ourselves.  I am my own strange version of myself, it’s just a question of allowing myself to be comfortable with that.

Anne Lamott has a great perspective on life.  She allows everything to be messy and imperfect and just admits to all of the anxieties that people struggle with every day.  I have been enjoying reading “Bird by Bird” recently.

I was saying to my husband yesterday that maybe it is good to have some stuff to struggle with in life.  Maybe untying the knots of our own lives is what finally frees them up and allows us to eventually find happiness.  Anyway, I have many knots to untangle in my life.  Like I need to stop being rude to my husband for no good reason and stop being so mindlessly irritable.  I am very optimistic though.

I have tons of respect for Alan Watts.  His writing is really amazing to me and is really delightful to read.  I think he had a great perspective on life that I feel lucky to have access to through his writing.

I’m also slowly coming to terms with my own death these days.  (Which I suppose is pretty Buddhist of me perhaps.)  I think I am starting to see the way Thich Nhat Hanh describes it, like evaporating clouds that are still a part of live overall but will never again take that particular form.  Reading the Alan Watts helped with this because Watts describes alternative perspectives on life very elegantly.

These are my bouncing (as in random) thoughts of the day.  Coffee and music and comfy chairs and a laptop and lots of books and beautiful days and many musings.  My idea of heaven.

Recent Reading

What I’ve been reading recently, a literary collage: (meaning, most of these books I’ve read significant portions of but have not finished)

“When Wanderers Cease to Roam,” an illustrated book by Vivian Swift. I adore beautiful, quietly inspirational books.  This colorful book talks about the joys of staying at home for a year and contemplating life after running around and traveling for a long time.  I would not be able to draw for myself, but I would love to write a beautiful and fun book along these lines some day.

“A Gate at the Stairs” by Lorrie Moore. I’ve been enjoying reading Lorrie Moore short stories for a few years now.  I am reading her new novel slowly to savor it.  I really like her writing style.  She makes every single line fun and interesting, which I think is something to aspire to.

“Inner Revolution” by Robert Thurman. I went from really enjoying this book to having a bit of trouble with some of its ideas.  Thurman describes many of the concepts from Tibetan Buddhism that I was not very familiar with.  To me, some of the ideas he takes to be literal I think should be more figurative.  A very interesting read nonetheless.

“Finding Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Finding Flow seems to be the psychological explanation for some spiritual concepts.  The author wants people to be able to live ideal lives that they can enjoy.  But he thinks that should be scientifically based in this day and age, although he says that many traditions have a lot of different wisdom.  Looking forward to reading much more.

“The End of Faith” by Sam Harris.  I must admit that I only read the introduction and the last chapter.  The last chapter is the part on his scientific take on spiritual concepts.  Harris thinks that spiritual ideas should be able to hold up to a modern intellect questioning them and challenging them.  It is appealing to me to mix atheism and spirituality.  My issue with Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens is that I think they don’t have enough respect for conflicting viewpoints.  Although religious thinking can sometimes be harmful, I disagree that it is inherently harmful, although naturally I have not done any research to back that up.  I think the important thing is that individuals make their own decisions and choices.  The vocal atheists these days seem to want to tell others what to think, which seems pretty typical and not very constructive.

“Wherever You Go, There You Are,” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I enjoy the calm and relaxing writing in this book.  I think it ends up saying the same thing over and over again, but if I am in the right mood I can enjoy pondering these thoughts and reflections.  Great inspiration for meditating.

“A Blue Hand: The Beats in India,” by Deborah Baker.  I am fascinated by Allen Ginsberg’s struggle with his religious experience.  I think it says a lot about how screwed up psychology and spirituality ideas are in mainstream society in a way.  I think there is no real help for people who want to walk on that edge between insanity and religious experience.  Certainly mental hospitals are ill-equipped to help anyone who is having a spiritual crisis that takes a turn for the even worse.  I recommend this fascinating book to anyone who thinks about the price people pay for wanting a different type of experience in life.  The descriptions of the psychological “treatment” given to people in this book is shocking.

“Explorers of the Infinite” by Maria Coffey. The further description of this book is, “the secret spiritual lives of extreme athletes.”  I would like to one day be athletic, but I will never be an athlete.  My interest in this library book is how spirituality is different for different people, and yet still an important aspect of their lives.  I’m looking forward to continuing to read this book.

“Still the Mind” by Alan Watts.  I have basically been on my own personal spiritual quest since I was a teenager.  For the most part I have not had too much luck.  However, this book by Alan Watts responds to many of my questions directly.  It is a tremendously comforting book this I wish everyone would read and think about.  I am definitely going to read it through a second time soon, and probably more times after that over the years.  Watts handles important spiritual issues in a very straightforward and comforting manner.

“The Mind is Mightier than the Sword” by Lama Surya Das. I have never read a Lama Surya Das book that I didn’t like.  He manages to bring a fresh perspective to some of his continuing ideas on Buddhism and how each person can incorporate Buddhism into their daily lives.

“The Bone People,” a novel by Keri Hulme.  So far this novel is amazing.  I haven’t been reading much fiction lately, but this book I will have to set aside time for.  It takes place in New Zealand I believe.  The book manages to mix the mysterious and fantastical with the ordinary in a really neat way.

“Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita” by Ram Dass.  This is the first book I have read by Ram Dass, and it is also one of my biggest introductions to Hinduism.  Dass does a great job of walking you through  the multiple interpretations of the mythology and how you can actually apply the ideas that are being conveyed.  I am fascinated every time I read about the idea of Brahman and the world as the stage of the divine play.

“The Tao of Physics” by Fritjof Capra.  Reading about the mix of ideas between science and spirituality is my idea of the way to spend a fun afternoon.  The author has a great knowledge of both physics and Eastern spirituality.  I am reading each chapter with enthusiasm, and look forward to reading more.  And, this book is my other main intro to Hinduism.  Capra devotes chapters to each of the major Eastern spiritualities, so you can really read this book at any point in your own personal education.  Basically, I am loving my own personal education.  I adore interesting, independent reading that really resonates with me.  Hopefully one day I can find a graduate program that will inspire me as much as my own reading does.

“Become What You Are” by Alan Watts.  From what I understand, this book is from Alan Watts’ younger days, and “Still the Mind” was written when he was older.  Besides having the most creative cover of any book, the essays in “Become What You Are” are fantastic.  They are fairly short, but full of intriguing ideas to mull over.

“The Spiritual Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Case for the Existence of the Soul” by Mario Beauregard and Denyse O’Leary.  I have read about 120 pages so far, and have not yet gotten to his case for the existence of the soul.  For many pages he has been making his case against materialism, which I actually understand since it is an uphill battle against mainstream scientific thought.  I’ve been asking myself why I am leaning toward ideas these days that are not what is widely accepted.  I guess maybe in asking my own spiritual questions, I am having to push some boundaries.  All of the reading I am drawn to these days has basically more of a Buddhist way of looking at life and the meaning of things, even when I am not necessarily trying to find more of it.

“The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force” by Jeffrey Schwartz and Sharon Begley.  I have barely started this book, but it promises to be fascinating.  Again, I enjoy the scientific background to how people can live their daily lives enjoyably.  I wish access to these ideas, like positive thinking and how to relax and meditate, was even more widespread.  I was never taught Buddhist ideas growing up, I had to seek out the ideas myself.  I did not grow up in a calm environment.  I basically need Buddhist ideas to teach myself ways to relax, because I do not relax naturally on my own.  I use to think, for instance, that I had to be thinking something clever and impressive at all times.  Now I know that it is okay to give thinking and thoughts a complete rest as often as needed.  I have only started out meditation, but I think over the next few years I will gradually notice how much it is helping me.

“The Spirituality of Imperfection” Storytelling and the Search for Meaning” by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.  This book widens the scope of my spiritual ideas.  More varied traditions are included.  So far the book seems very unique and inspirational, I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.

“If the Buddha Got Stuck: A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path” by Charlotte Kasl.  The author of this book is both a psychologist and a Buddhist, which I think is a neat combination that makes a book interesting.  Just in the opening section, I was relieved to learn that even psychologists continue to deal with their own issues.  The book has a beautiful, colorful painting on its cover.  Sure, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I think art and style can still be greatly appreciated.

As you can see, I have many pages of reading to cover!  But it is far from overwhelming.  Reading lovely words by unique, creative writers is a joy.

Greed Versus Wealth

There is incredible wealth in the United States today.  A richness of art, literature, and music.  It is difficult to find the space between greedily wanting it all, and wholesomely, innocently yearning to listen and to experience first hand.  I alternate depending on the day.  Sometimes I feel frustrated with commercialism and feel like I am guilty of a greedy, short attention span.  Other times I am able to serenely appreciate the exquisite  artistic expressions out there. 

If you talked to my husband, he would tell you that I always have five or so projects half done.  With any interest of mine, I feel jumpy and feel the need to start many different endeavors.  There is a pile of books by my chair, and more on the shelf, with sincere bookmarks left in for a later date.  I am optimistic.  With music, I will sometimes become obsessed with an album for the week. 

As a comfortable middle class American, I have the luxury of music and literature, even with the economy the way it is.  I feel lucky, and on days of frustration with the state of the world, I feel guilty.  There are a few different ways of looking at the issue of greediness of music or wonderful wealth of music.  Somehow the flippant short attention span factors in this discussion for me. 

Frequently I find myself rapidly scrolling through albums and playlists, hearing the first four seconds of a song before rejecting it to continue my search for what is satisfying at that moment.  Because I can’t sit still, I cannot appreciate the intricate pop songs that have been so precisely assembled.  It’s all about the moodiness.  If I am feeling calm and serene, I can listen to everything respectfully in turn on shuffle, appreciating the artists and musicians I’ve already chosen for my ipod.  When I’m feeling greedy, nothing is satisfying really, it all just adds up superficially.  When I am able to sit quietly and appreciate the true wealth of the music, I allow myself to stay innocent.  By innocent I mean I am not needlessly critical and demanding.

As it probably appears to you already, this greed versus wealth issue is very personal and for individual introspection.  I have no access to the workings of anyone else’s mind, so it is not for me to judge whether they are appreciating the wealth in front of them or greedily hoarding it instead.  I offer a peak into my understanding as a way of communicating.  Maybe these ideas resonate with you, maybe they do not.

Sometimes there is a lot of guilt that is associated with being a happy, healthy American.  I have not entirely decided how to let the issue sit in my mind comfortably.  But I do feel like there is an innocent way of approaching music, art, and literature to really appreciate it in a personal and inspirational way.  There is no way of collecting experiences, they are just intangible, wispy memories.  Greed for music and art can never be satisfied, because the true experience of it is not something that can simply be collected.

What I Am Reading Currently, Part 1

            I love to think about my reading style as a type of mosaic.  Tidbits here and there.  Many books are started, to finish at some later point when I feel so inspired.  A collage, if you will.  There are so many I am interested in at once it is almost overwhelming, but almost overwhelming in an exciting and positive way.  There are a lot of books that I have begun but that I am hardly close to finishing at all; they line bookshelves.  I do intend with all my heart to read every page of every book that I have found intriguing so far.  It may be ambitious, but I’ll just have to deal with that.  I’m planning on living to be about 95 or so, fingers crossed, so maybe I’ll meet a goal or two of mine.

            I have been beginning to read the following books recently, in no particular order:

            Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury  If anyone wants to be just flat-out inspired, please pick up this book.  It’s like Mr. Bradbury is looking you straight in the eye and telling you how it is.  I am, by nature I would try to claim, very worried and self-conscious about life.  Ray Bradbury wants you to be yourself, write about it, and in the process make life the vibrant thing it can be.

            Nights at the Circus by Angela Carter (novel)  Angela Carter, I knew before I found this book at the used bookstore, is kind of a superhero feminist.  (I say this after hearing a bit and looking her up on wikipedia.)  She seems to have died tragically young, at only the age of 51.  She makes me want to be braver when, if ever, I decide to write.  Before this novel I read a collection of strange gothic fairy tales she wrote.  Nights at the Circus so far promises to be an adventure, I love the descriptions so far.  I adore finding awesome books that I did not even have a clue existed; it makes life seem very promising.

            Invincible Summer Anthology by Nicole J. Georges (graphic novel/zine)  This collection of Georges’ illustrated journal makes me feel good about life.  The matter of fact way she deals with every day happenstance makes me feel better about issues that I usually feel awkward about.  It’s bizarrely nostalgic for me in a way, because she moved out to Portland, OR to live around the same year I did it appears.  That’s not the main reason I like it though.  I think this artist just has a great outlook on life that for me is contagious.

            Current Issue of Shambhala Sun Magazine  This issue is about how yoga and Buddhism overlaps, which has always been an interesting question for me.  What can I say, I just had to buy it to find out more.

            Current Issue of Self Magazine  I enjoy reading about how to be a healthy woman, sometimes as I’m working out on the elliptical machine at the gym, sometimes when I’m sitting on the couch.  I read somewhere that many find the nutritional tips, et cetera more depressing than helpful, but I think the magazine puts me in the mood to be healthful.

            The Unbinding by Walter Kirn (novel)  I read an article by Walter Kirn in the Atlantic I think and was immediately blown away by it.  I rushed out and bought several of his novels, but it wasn’t the right time to read them somehow, so I returned them.  (The older woman working at the bookstore at that time took it personally, and was in a huff as she let me return the pristine paperbacks.  I thought it was almost nice that she had such a personal investment in the bookstore chain.)  Now I discovered this one at the used bookstore.  Something about the clean and direct way he writes is appealing to me.

            The Likeness by Tana French (novel)  Scary!  I want to read right through it, but I am too frightened to read it when I’m alone in the house.  The whole concept of the story is very freaky.  I read a book called The Secret History by Donna Tartt that a reviewer said is similar, and that book was freaky itself, so I feel like I have a little hint of what it will turn into.

            Current Issue of Sew Simple Magazine  What can I say, I enjoy finding the craft  magazine with the best sewing projects in it, and I continue to be impressed by Sew Simple.  I am looking forward to trying the projects and sewing techniques.  Actually, I am usually won over by the most colorful, sophisticated, and aesthetically appealing of just about anything.  Unfortunately this may just be a result of living in the era of overly polished, shiny commercials, movies, et cetera, et cetera.  In this vein, I was thinking today at the bookstore about how different book covers appeal to different people. 

            Buddha is as Buddha Does by Lama Surya Das  I really enjoy any and all books written by Lama Surya Das.  He is originally from the US but spent years studying Buddhism in Asia.  I find it helpful and informative to read books on Buddhism by different authors whose writing complements each other well.

            Freestyle Handmade Bags and Skirts  Wonderful craft projects to be made in the near future by moi!  Every awesome style of skirt.  Very fun styles of handbags.  I have to hold myself back from running over to my sewing machine just thinking about all of the awesome possibilities.

            Weekend Sewing by Heather Ross  Another fun sewing book that seemed to have some of the best projects in it.

            The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche  This book is not to be read by the faint of heart.  I have been a bit obsessed with the idea of death recently, and this book spoke directly to me on this issue.  The Tibetans have a completely different perspective on death than most of us in the western world.  They believe that death should be thought of respectfully and prepared for your entire life.  Not really in a morbid way though, in a way that allows more acceptance I would say.  There are accounts in this book of Tibetan Buddhist monks who are able to greet death calmly when it is the appropriate time.  I have a lot of respect for these ideas.  I can’t say that I have come to terms with my own death yet by any means, but I believe continuing to read this book will bring me much closer to that point.

            The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching  by Thich Nhat Hanh  I have read parts of other books by Thich Nhat Hanh and I enjoy reading them all.  This particular book seems to focus on the specific guidelines of Buddhism more than any other.  Actually, the first book on Buddhism that I ever picked up was by Thich Nhat Hanh.  I really like the calming way he writes.  I feel like the reader gets a sense of how beautifully life can be led by listening to Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is a great point so far in the book where he actually talks about how you may cry when you begin to actually face the roots of your suffering in life.  This brings me to why I adore Buddhism so much.  I feel like Buddhists will admit and talk about fundamental issues of living life as a human being that no one else addresses directly at all.  When I began to learn about Buddhism, I felt like I could understand why I am the way I am as a human a lot better.