Feeling Really Great

I just went on a really incredible run.  In just three weeks, I can run more and enjoy running more than I ever thought I could.

Part of me says no to everything.  But if I push that part aside, then I can go out and really enjoy myself.

There are so many amazing books to read.  Life is really abundant and rich.

I don’t think Americans need to lose weight.  I think we just need to love our lives, love being outside in the fresh air and sunshine and love exercising and feeling great about our bodies because of the way they are.  If we love moving our bodies and nourishing our bodies with healthy foods, there’s no longer any problem.  I’ve heard about a new book “Women, Food, and God” and I think it really seems to make this point, that what we are hungry for is enjoying life and nourishing healthy parts of ourselves.

For me, I didn’t know that I had such a negative part of my character.  I have a part of my mind that literally says no to everything and is disgruntled about everything.  I have been letting that side rule my life without even thinking about it until recently.

This afternoon I had an hour to spend and I decided that I didn’t want to be where I was.  Whoa, that was the wrong way to approach the situation.  I got it under control.  My negative side throws tantrums in a ridiculous way and will find any excuse in any situation to be dissatisfied.  I didn’t know how swiftly I was sabotaging myself.

I am happier these days than I have ever been.  I’m learning appreciation of a really fortunate and rich life.  I am really looking forward to reading many wonderful books and just enjoying each day as it comes.

Dreary Daydreaming

So many intricate issues come up in day to day life.  Recently I have been obsessed with imaginary house hunting.  I spend way too much time looking at real estate.  It is easy to do since there are tons of websites with pictures and house details, any region of the country available to look at current housing from the comfort of your own armchair.

A few things bother me about my own imaginary house hunting and super day dreaming.  It takes up a lot of time and energy that I could channel into more productive things.  I could be exercising, doing school work, pursuing hobbies and goals that I know are important to me.  I am letting myself be sidetracked.  Also, a hint of my own sense of feminism creeps into my thoughts.  Why do I feel the need to look for a house when my husband and I know we don’t even want to settle in one area for a few years at least?  I should be grounded enough to know that real security does not come from a physical house, especially a huge house that I know I can’t afford at this point.  What am I really putting energy into when I obsess over an imaginary house and a daydreamed imaginary future?

I certainly get drawn away from the present reality when I look at houses online.  My eyes start to feel tired and dried out from staring at the computer screen.  Even though I think I like looking at the houses, I start to become grumpy and unhappy.  Is it because I am losing touch with the present moment?

This brings me to another concern of mine recently.  I have been reading many books on living in the present, self-transformation, and Buddhism.  One of the ideas with Buddhism is to not just take something on faith, you should be able to know what you experience and observe yourself.  So I think I need to be careful and trust myself to have my own views and perspective on things.  In my eagerness to go along with ideas that are fascinating and exciting for me and that I have a lot of respect for, I think I lose some of the self-awareness and self observation of how I am actually seeing things.

I think when I gaze at picture after picture of perfect ornate houses, I am really saying to myself that it is better to imagine a made up future than accept myself and my situation now.  Which is pretty ridiculous since I am currently very content and leading a very pleasant and comfortable existence.  Unconsciously, I am pulling myself away from being satisfied with my fabulous life as it is.

Recently I have been waging an ongoing personal battle between my lazy side and my dedicated, disciplined, motivated side.  My lazy side has gotten away with a lot for years at this point.  I have a bad habit of frequently feeling weak and unmotivated.  But the funny thing is that the more I procrastinate and push things away, the less happy I am.  My lazy side thinks that avoiding work at all costs will somehow help me.  But once I start working on something that is important to me, I always really enjoy the process of completing a task.  My main goal currently is actually a set of goals that I know will really enrich my life, such as running every day, writing every day, studying a lot for school, getting all of the chores done around the house that I want to.  My lazy side is not going down without a big fight, but I know it is definitely worth it in the long run to make sure my diligent side wins out.

I think the best sense of daydreaming is good.  Daydreaming can help you think about things and be enthusiastic about the future.  Sometimes it is great to let your imagination go free for a while.  But if I know that my lazy side is being dominant, I will be shutting down the needless and unhappy daydreaming.