The morning began with crippling aches of anxiety.  Pangs of worry and everything that cannot be planned or reassured.  I felt bent-over with my back broken, except it was “merely” lack of confidence.  Every other person in the world, my imaged version of the world, seemed to know what they were doing.  I was the exception, the person who knew nothing, no authority on anything.

Yet I was equally human.  I knew what it was like to live on planet Earth as a human being as well as anyone else.

I sat down for a soul-searching meditation session.  This time, I did not try to place the blame on anyone from the past.  This time I just wanted to get to the root of my issue myself.

I realized that I was afraid to walk on the beach because I didn’t want to disturb the grains of sand.  I didn’t want to walk across a grassy field because I didn’t want to crush any blades of grass.  This was my crippling anxiety and feeling of inaction.

It is impossible to live as a human on this planet without “causing trouble.”  I almost feel as if the environmental movement is misleading.  I almost feel as if complete nonviolent movements are misleading.  There seems to be the idea out there, or maybe just in my own mind, that there is some perfect way to get through life without disturbing or troubling anything at all.  In fact it is just the opposite.  It is impossible to do anything without offending some people and without causing some trouble and disturbance.

In my absolute quest for what I considered “peace,” I was attempting to create calm in the outside world by trying to be nonexistent myself.  I didn’t want to leave any footprints on the trampled grass, I didn’t want to stand out in any way that would cause an argument.

My confidence came roaring back.  I went outside and jogged along the sidewalks proudly.  I decided that I would play bass, electric guitar, drums.  I decided I wanted to learn how to fight from some type of martial arts.  I reaffirmed my passion for living strongly.  Shrinking from life would no longer be acceptable.

There’s a Liz Phair song about life being one big war to fight against others.  The album did not get reviewed well, but I enjoyed a lot of the catchy songs.  I think the war song is pessimistic, but sometimes it is true.  If you are not going to let people walk all over you, you might have to do a little bit of pushing and shoving yourself.  I want to release an album one day too.  Maybe it won’t get reviewed well, probably no one will listen to it, but I can’t crush my sense of self.  I must live proudly and give myself room to breathe and move as I am inspired to move.

I still have a daydream of how life “should” be.  I still want individuals to always be kind and respectful of each other, and that is what I want to spend my career working on.  But the respect that each person deserves can occasionally come into conflict with others.  Or, there can just be a pushy person that needs to be stood up to.

I’ll never be a heavenly saint.  I’ll never be the person who can float through life in some kind of sparkling, hazy atmosphere.  I think I wanted that.  I wanted “perfection.”  I didn’t want to admit to myself what life can really be like.

It’s going to be a balance.  I want to keep being a sweet and gentle person.  But at the same time, I am going to be standing strong and not letting anyone shove me around.

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