Mapping the Brain (is Pretty Personal)

I was watching some neuroscience TED lectures earlier today.  Fascinating topics, naturally.  The brain can be replicated to a certain extent on a super computer to give scientists a great tool for studying the brain.

I would love to study my own brain more scientifically.  As it is, I try to use the certain amount of self-awareness I have to learn what I can about myself.  I try to be a reasonable person who is able to function in a variety of situations.

As a new adult (still only in my twenties), I am still learning to deal with stress constructively.  I would love to be able to see exactly how my brain handles stress.  I guess watching my own neurons firing would be a bit like looking in a special kind of mirror.

My interest in how the brain works is in the creation of a life for myself that I can enjoy.  I sometimes seem to create my own emotional obstacles.  But as I learn to relax in how I live my life, I think I am ever so surely feeling more comfortable and at home in my spot on planet Earth.

I hate to say it, but in my mind a number of us spend years recovering in different ways from the way we were brought up as children.  I find myself no exception.  While trying to cultivate a sense of gratitude for my lucky life, I am also critical of some of the unnecessary conditioning and habits I picked up along the way.

Sometimes I find myself thinking that life here on Earth as a human is bizarre; it is strange to describe life when it is obviously all I know.  “Acceptance” is a concept that I am slowly getting used to.  In my own precarious way I have been fighting for things in life.  It has been exhausting, overwhelming, and sometimes sorrowful.  Now, as I am in a comfortable and secure place these days, I can relax; but first I have to learn how.

If I end up taking ideas from Buddhism, I will take some of the attitude toward death as something to be met with dignity.  I’ve started reading “No Fear” by Krishnamurti; the ideas tend to catch my brain on fire a bit.  I wonder what the patterns in my brain look like when I read completely new ideas to me by Krishnamurti.

I’m good at throwing blame around; these days I am learning to just let go of frustrating things I can’t change and instead feel responsible for exactly who I am and who I want to be (paraphrasing; it has been said many times before).  In middle school I collected quotes that I thought were eloquent.  I had no idea if the advice or observation was sound or not.  Years later, I have all too much experience to measure things up against.

I would love a map of my brain.  There is only so much it would be able to tell me.  But if there were lessons to be learned from the neurons, I would attempt to understand.  As a new adult, I am happy to finally be in control of some of the ways in which my brain is shaped.  It feels great to be free; I gladly accept the responsibilities of being an adult human on Earth.  I often grumble and complain about life, but really I could not ask for more strange perfection.

 

 

At Ease with Life for Once

Happiness and Contentment: At Ease with Life for Once

                I’ve learned a lot over the years, although the lessons learned that I will acknowledge vary from day to day.  I will realize, “oh, yeah” as a particular situation unfolds in front of me.  I’m a very talkative, verbal person, so I am almost constantly sharing my thoughts on the daily observations with my husband, who is luckily a much more patient person than I am.  Today, I’m feeling good, I’m feeling comfortable with life and who I am in it.  Some observations floated through my mind, and, as of now, I think they reveal some of the lessons I have learned.  I think the observations could apply to more people than just me possibly.  I am usually cheerful and optimistic, so the observations are fairly uplifting.

–> Like yourself:  feel attractive and cool just being who you are.  Consider what you think to yourself, and try to keep it positive.  If you are not happy with who you are, you can still accept yourself as you make small changes each day to walk towards your goal.  Everything is possible for you; it’s okay to like who you are, just as you are.

–> Be skeptical and trusting at the same time.  You can believe what people say, but there is no need to hide any of your intellectual confidence.  Think things over and trust yourself too.  Everyone is trying their best, but consider what the other perspectives are and what motivations people are using.

–> Strike a balance between whining and feeling gratitude.  Complain silently when possible, and then try to understand what is really going on in the situation before you.

–> Sometimes, bad life situations will take several years to work out.  Fight for what you really need to feel at ease in life finally.  If you are not satisfied with your life, keep going.  Huge changes can occur, but you may have to fight for the change you need for several years.

–> It’s okay to cry and be upset sometimes, but know that you will feel better very soon.  Try to keep at least a tiny bit of perspective, even when things seem miserable.  Think of all the times in your life that things have surprisingly changed for the better.

–> Art is for everyone.  You are talented and creative in your own unique way.  It can sometimes feel as though everything has already been said and done in a million different ways.  But no one else has quite the perspective that you do.  The world will benefit from your artistic contribution because you are so unique.

–> It’s okay to live comfortably in obscurity.  Just appreciate your friends and family, the people who do know you.  There is a lot of emphasis put on huge fame and fortune in the US today, but it is not at all necessary for a happy life.  No one really needs “fans.”  We just need close friends who actually know who we are and interact with us on a day-to-day basis.

                These are the types of observations that eventually help me feel at ease with life.  I’ve had some tough times, but things work out.  In my current daily life, I am able to live freely, with love and with all different kinds of security.  I am thankful to have some peace in my life.  At the same time, I continue to make goals that I will fight for gradually over the upcoming years.

Recent Reading

What I’ve been reading recently, a literary collage: (meaning, most of these books I’ve read significant portions of but have not finished)

“When Wanderers Cease to Roam,” an illustrated book by Vivian Swift. I adore beautiful, quietly inspirational books.  This colorful book talks about the joys of staying at home for a year and contemplating life after running around and traveling for a long time.  I would not be able to draw for myself, but I would love to write a beautiful and fun book along these lines some day.

“A Gate at the Stairs” by Lorrie Moore. I’ve been enjoying reading Lorrie Moore short stories for a few years now.  I am reading her new novel slowly to savor it.  I really like her writing style.  She makes every single line fun and interesting, which I think is something to aspire to.

“Inner Revolution” by Robert Thurman. I went from really enjoying this book to having a bit of trouble with some of its ideas.  Thurman describes many of the concepts from Tibetan Buddhism that I was not very familiar with.  To me, some of the ideas he takes to be literal I think should be more figurative.  A very interesting read nonetheless.

“Finding Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Finding Flow seems to be the psychological explanation for some spiritual concepts.  The author wants people to be able to live ideal lives that they can enjoy.  But he thinks that should be scientifically based in this day and age, although he says that many traditions have a lot of different wisdom.  Looking forward to reading much more.

“The End of Faith” by Sam Harris.  I must admit that I only read the introduction and the last chapter.  The last chapter is the part on his scientific take on spiritual concepts.  Harris thinks that spiritual ideas should be able to hold up to a modern intellect questioning them and challenging them.  It is appealing to me to mix atheism and spirituality.  My issue with Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens is that I think they don’t have enough respect for conflicting viewpoints.  Although religious thinking can sometimes be harmful, I disagree that it is inherently harmful, although naturally I have not done any research to back that up.  I think the important thing is that individuals make their own decisions and choices.  The vocal atheists these days seem to want to tell others what to think, which seems pretty typical and not very constructive.

“Wherever You Go, There You Are,” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I enjoy the calm and relaxing writing in this book.  I think it ends up saying the same thing over and over again, but if I am in the right mood I can enjoy pondering these thoughts and reflections.  Great inspiration for meditating.

“A Blue Hand: The Beats in India,” by Deborah Baker.  I am fascinated by Allen Ginsberg’s struggle with his religious experience.  I think it says a lot about how screwed up psychology and spirituality ideas are in mainstream society in a way.  I think there is no real help for people who want to walk on that edge between insanity and religious experience.  Certainly mental hospitals are ill-equipped to help anyone who is having a spiritual crisis that takes a turn for the even worse.  I recommend this fascinating book to anyone who thinks about the price people pay for wanting a different type of experience in life.  The descriptions of the psychological “treatment” given to people in this book is shocking.

“Explorers of the Infinite” by Maria Coffey. The further description of this book is, “the secret spiritual lives of extreme athletes.”  I would like to one day be athletic, but I will never be an athlete.  My interest in this library book is how spirituality is different for different people, and yet still an important aspect of their lives.  I’m looking forward to continuing to read this book.

“Still the Mind” by Alan Watts.  I have basically been on my own personal spiritual quest since I was a teenager.  For the most part I have not had too much luck.  However, this book by Alan Watts responds to many of my questions directly.  It is a tremendously comforting book this I wish everyone would read and think about.  I am definitely going to read it through a second time soon, and probably more times after that over the years.  Watts handles important spiritual issues in a very straightforward and comforting manner.

“The Mind is Mightier than the Sword” by Lama Surya Das. I have never read a Lama Surya Das book that I didn’t like.  He manages to bring a fresh perspective to some of his continuing ideas on Buddhism and how each person can incorporate Buddhism into their daily lives.

“The Bone People,” a novel by Keri Hulme.  So far this novel is amazing.  I haven’t been reading much fiction lately, but this book I will have to set aside time for.  It takes place in New Zealand I believe.  The book manages to mix the mysterious and fantastical with the ordinary in a really neat way.

“Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita” by Ram Dass.  This is the first book I have read by Ram Dass, and it is also one of my biggest introductions to Hinduism.  Dass does a great job of walking you through  the multiple interpretations of the mythology and how you can actually apply the ideas that are being conveyed.  I am fascinated every time I read about the idea of Brahman and the world as the stage of the divine play.

“The Tao of Physics” by Fritjof Capra.  Reading about the mix of ideas between science and spirituality is my idea of the way to spend a fun afternoon.  The author has a great knowledge of both physics and Eastern spirituality.  I am reading each chapter with enthusiasm, and look forward to reading more.  And, this book is my other main intro to Hinduism.  Capra devotes chapters to each of the major Eastern spiritualities, so you can really read this book at any point in your own personal education.  Basically, I am loving my own personal education.  I adore interesting, independent reading that really resonates with me.  Hopefully one day I can find a graduate program that will inspire me as much as my own reading does.

“Become What You Are” by Alan Watts.  From what I understand, this book is from Alan Watts’ younger days, and “Still the Mind” was written when he was older.  Besides having the most creative cover of any book, the essays in “Become What You Are” are fantastic.  They are fairly short, but full of intriguing ideas to mull over.

“The Spiritual Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Case for the Existence of the Soul” by Mario Beauregard and Denyse O’Leary.  I have read about 120 pages so far, and have not yet gotten to his case for the existence of the soul.  For many pages he has been making his case against materialism, which I actually understand since it is an uphill battle against mainstream scientific thought.  I’ve been asking myself why I am leaning toward ideas these days that are not what is widely accepted.  I guess maybe in asking my own spiritual questions, I am having to push some boundaries.  All of the reading I am drawn to these days has basically more of a Buddhist way of looking at life and the meaning of things, even when I am not necessarily trying to find more of it.

“The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force” by Jeffrey Schwartz and Sharon Begley.  I have barely started this book, but it promises to be fascinating.  Again, I enjoy the scientific background to how people can live their daily lives enjoyably.  I wish access to these ideas, like positive thinking and how to relax and meditate, was even more widespread.  I was never taught Buddhist ideas growing up, I had to seek out the ideas myself.  I did not grow up in a calm environment.  I basically need Buddhist ideas to teach myself ways to relax, because I do not relax naturally on my own.  I use to think, for instance, that I had to be thinking something clever and impressive at all times.  Now I know that it is okay to give thinking and thoughts a complete rest as often as needed.  I have only started out meditation, but I think over the next few years I will gradually notice how much it is helping me.

“The Spirituality of Imperfection” Storytelling and the Search for Meaning” by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.  This book widens the scope of my spiritual ideas.  More varied traditions are included.  So far the book seems very unique and inspirational, I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.

“If the Buddha Got Stuck: A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path” by Charlotte Kasl.  The author of this book is both a psychologist and a Buddhist, which I think is a neat combination that makes a book interesting.  Just in the opening section, I was relieved to learn that even psychologists continue to deal with their own issues.  The book has a beautiful, colorful painting on its cover.  Sure, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I think art and style can still be greatly appreciated.

As you can see, I have many pages of reading to cover!  But it is far from overwhelming.  Reading lovely words by unique, creative writers is a joy.

Decisions, Decisions: At a crossroads, out of nowhere!

Very recently my life was on a certain track, and I suddenly put the brakes on and turned the whole thing around.  It didn’t feel like a particularly inspired or well-thought decision, but it seemed very necessary.

I had been attempting to pursue more school, but my heart was not entirely in it, so it was not working out too well.  I felt very disappointed even though I knew it was the right decision.

For about a day and a half there was a period of mourning.  But then this morning I woke up well-rested, and ready to be enthusiastic about life again.  Right now, at this point in my life, what is inspiring to me is songwriting, reading random fun books that catch my interest, spirituality ideas, writing, crafts, healthy living, etc etc.

It was reassuring to have a clear path laid out in front of me.  I came to believe that it was not the correct path, but that leaves me wandering in the forest with no trail to follow.  However, it is remarkable to me that the very event of changing my mind caused such an emotional obstacle for myself, that I really ended up learning a lot of great new things.

My husband is a very wise man, super bright and intelligent and thoughtful.  He said some really amazing things to me about healthy, happy ways of living life.  I haven’t been really walking very tall for the past several years.  I didn’t feel very confident at all about myself.  Strangely, making a tough, weird decision like quitting school made me realize that I can be more confident in my life.  My husband’s wise counsel made me see my own life in a clearer way, and allowed me to accept myself as someone reasonable who deserves to feel confident.

So, I confidently stride away through the underbrush, leaving the well-traveled path behind me.  The collage of past memories and decisions and experiences flickers in my mind on random shuffle.  I adjust the focus to have greater clarity.  Acceptance is a concept that has been purposely ignored by me for quite a while.  Finally, I am willing to live with the strangeness and ambiguity.

Thoughtful Setting

Dance This Body

Watching the World Go By

Warning!  Don’t read any further if you are afraid of brutal honesty…

Recently I’ve been baby-sitting my body, my mind, and my emotions.  All of my random urges and desires have been sumo wrestling.  I have not known what was happening or how to get it under control at all.  The very idea of control seemed intimidating and difficult.

My brain has been bouncing off of the insides of my skull, eager to do something “real,” eager to have a “special” experience of life.  It has been driving me up the wall.  I haven’t been able to enjoy anything, I’m always frustrated or bored or uncomfortable.  I have been turning to Buddhist and Taoism ideas.  I’m been hiding my interest in Buddhism from most people because I don’t want to appear different.

Dance this body!

So today, I made sure the door was closed and the shades drawn, and I put on some fun, loud music and danced around the room ridiculously.  It was what I was inspired to do.  I wanted a physical expression of the interest I have in listening to the music.

I am bewildered by life.  I have no idea what I’m doing.  I don’t know what the purpose is, and I know I should create the purpose for myself, but somehow that seems like an unreachable aim.

I know what I like in my daily life, these mundane details that are strung together to create the moments of my life.  I like reading fascinating books, and listening to music I enjoy, and spending time with my husband, and basically daydreaming sometimes.  I enjoy eating good meals.  I sleep a lot.  I am vaguely ambitious, but I haven’t switched over to the adulthood of actually accomplishing things.  I feel like I would rather just daydream, because I don’t want the real responsibility that comes with any type of success and real place or position in the world.

I admire women who accomplish kick-ass things that no one would expect, like Sleater-Kinney having such a powerful sound.

If everything is impermanent, why bother?  That is the depressing issue that sticks in my mind, holding me back and allowing me to feel comfortable with do-nothing failure.

Embrace the weirdness!

I am not a normal person whatsoever.  I’m tremendously weird, but I enjoy sitting back in my normal-looking-life disguise and just attempting to “get by.”  However, just getting by will not be good enough any longer.

I need to allow myself to experience the actual sensations of life in each moment, and just have fun with it all.  “Dance this body” is the everyday way that I coax myself into taking small steps toward my goals, even when everything could evaporate in a moment.

Current Reading, Part 2

The Fifth Book of Peace, by Maxine Hong Kingston    I discovered this author when I took a women’s literature course in college.  She has a very unique and personal style of writing that encourages me to be myself somehow.

Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic by Darren Main  This is a great book the gives you a lot of the ideas behind a modern yoga practice.  I really like the way the author writes using many examples from his own life experience.

What is Zen? by Alan Watts  I read this entire booklet from the library, based on some talks by Alan Watts.  It inspired me to read even more books by Watts on Zen Buddhism.  I like the direct way he puts things, it really seems like he is trying to effectively communicate some very interesting ideas.  I would have to say that my understanding of Zen and Buddhism in general is so far a collage based on the various books I have picked up by different authors.  So far the different angles on Buddhism are very fun and inspiring.

The Writer as Migrant By Ha Jin   I read the novel Waiting by Ha Jin and was completely captivated.  It had one of the most poignant endings that gave me chills.  I have barely begun this book from the library, but I am very interested in reading about Ha Jin’s views on writers who must write from a new country.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville, with a great intro by Alfred Kazin  I must admit that so far I have only read two short chapters of the actual text.  But I read the very interesting introduction and I was pleased to finally understand the exact reasons why this is such a classic.  It seems as if Melville were able to capture something epic about life’s beauty and the force of nature in a tragic yet elegant way.  I think sometimes classic books are intimidating, but then as soon as I actually begin to read, I realize that reading the classics is certainly possible.

No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh  I read this book cover to cover after checking it out of the library.  Our local public library has a decent section on Buddhism, luckily for me.  I really enjoy the peaceful and elegant style that Thich Nhat Hanh writes in.  I believe he really incorporates his view on mindfulness into every aspect of his life, which I find quite admirable.  I still have trouble facing my own death.  And I still respect the way that Buddhism asks you to face this fear.  Thich Nhat Hanh’s ideas from this book will stay with me.  I was especially struck by his metaphor about the manifestation of clouds and how clouds then change to rain.

Simplicity?

There is a current trend about simplifying one’s lifestyle.  The idea of simplicity can be looked at in many different ways.  I feel like my recent interests have led me to a type of simplified lifestyle, but certainly only by my own idea of that term.  I don’t actually scale-down the number of possessions I have.  Possessions don’t really bother me.  I de-clutter my lifestyle by trying to completely de-stress.  The process of ridding my life of stress has really meant a complete overhaul of every aspect of my life.

I think my lifestyle change was really begun when I recently got married.  By feeling personally and romantically secure, I was able to ask my self about why I tended to be so stressed out and anxious most of the time.  Also, interests of mine that I had saved up and let be dormant began to surface.  I re-sparked my interest in spirituality.  I was able to admit my interest in yoga.  I began to meditate fairly often for the very first time in my life.  Even though I was accepting most of the lifestyle changes wholeheartedly, I would still be somewhat crippled by anxiety from time to time.  The strange issue about the anxiety is that I had no real stressors in my life at all.  I had reached a haven in my own life.  Unfortunately, this haven became a sage place for all of my hidden memories of traumatic past events to return and kind of haunt me.  It’s not an overly dramatic thing, it’s not some type of movie flashback.  But I was forced to face emotional issues that I had buried and set aside for a long time.

It was difficult to accept the contrast in my huge lifestyle change at first.  Having the life I had always hoped for meant coming to terms with the chaotic and almost hopeless route my life had taken before.  I was feeling sorry for myself and almost mourning for my vulnerable former self as I looked back at earlier periods of my life.

My early twenties were not at all what I wanted them to be.  Maybe a lot of people can say this about different periods of their lives.  It hurts me that I was so vulnerable and alone and that I had to trudge through all those years of difficulties in order to reach my current idyllic haven.  But really I still feel lucky, because I realize that not everyone gets the opportunity to create the haven of their dreams.

So “de-cluttering” my life because an emotional issue about accepting the past and attempting daily to let go and move on.  Memories and the past have a way of haunting the present, sometimes when you least expect it.  Facing my anxieties and imagine stresses has meant examining my entire view of myself and of the world.  I enjoy it, there is hardly anything I’d rather be doing.  But sometimes it is very difficult to completely face the way things are.  I am working on a steadfast gaze of the present moment, but maybe I have more of the past to let go of before the present moment is truly appreciated.

Greed Versus Wealth

There is incredible wealth in the United States today.  A richness of art, literature, and music.  It is difficult to find the space between greedily wanting it all, and wholesomely, innocently yearning to listen and to experience first hand.  I alternate depending on the day.  Sometimes I feel frustrated with commercialism and feel like I am guilty of a greedy, short attention span.  Other times I am able to serenely appreciate the exquisite  artistic expressions out there. 

If you talked to my husband, he would tell you that I always have five or so projects half done.  With any interest of mine, I feel jumpy and feel the need to start many different endeavors.  There is a pile of books by my chair, and more on the shelf, with sincere bookmarks left in for a later date.  I am optimistic.  With music, I will sometimes become obsessed with an album for the week. 

As a comfortable middle class American, I have the luxury of music and literature, even with the economy the way it is.  I feel lucky, and on days of frustration with the state of the world, I feel guilty.  There are a few different ways of looking at the issue of greediness of music or wonderful wealth of music.  Somehow the flippant short attention span factors in this discussion for me. 

Frequently I find myself rapidly scrolling through albums and playlists, hearing the first four seconds of a song before rejecting it to continue my search for what is satisfying at that moment.  Because I can’t sit still, I cannot appreciate the intricate pop songs that have been so precisely assembled.  It’s all about the moodiness.  If I am feeling calm and serene, I can listen to everything respectfully in turn on shuffle, appreciating the artists and musicians I’ve already chosen for my ipod.  When I’m feeling greedy, nothing is satisfying really, it all just adds up superficially.  When I am able to sit quietly and appreciate the true wealth of the music, I allow myself to stay innocent.  By innocent I mean I am not needlessly critical and demanding.

As it probably appears to you already, this greed versus wealth issue is very personal and for individual introspection.  I have no access to the workings of anyone else’s mind, so it is not for me to judge whether they are appreciating the wealth in front of them or greedily hoarding it instead.  I offer a peak into my understanding as a way of communicating.  Maybe these ideas resonate with you, maybe they do not.

Sometimes there is a lot of guilt that is associated with being a happy, healthy American.  I have not entirely decided how to let the issue sit in my mind comfortably.  But I do feel like there is an innocent way of approaching music, art, and literature to really appreciate it in a personal and inspirational way.  There is no way of collecting experiences, they are just intangible, wispy memories.  Greed for music and art can never be satisfied, because the true experience of it is not something that can simply be collected.

Greed and Boredom Rant with Many Tangents

 

City Street

 

 

            I need to address the issue of greed.  Recently I feel like I have been trying to greedily get my hands onto the books and music that most appeal to me.  It is almost as if possessing these works of art has become the aim instead of appreciating the individual creative works one at a time and really letting something from the music or literature sink in.  There is no question that there is a wealth of music out there to discover.  It is easy to get overwhelmed.  But it is strange that I want to somehow own it all.  And then when I do, I end up scrolling through my playlists with a short attention span, feeling bored because I don’t sit with any of the music long enough to let it grab my attention.
            I’m not going to pretend that there was a more enticing yesteryear when everyone had a “Gone with the Wind”-length attention span and was more in tune with sunlit hours and the seasons and the local produce.  It is definitely worth it to live in the 21^st century.  We get to take for granted that life can be multi-cultural and that there is instant global awareness with current events and trends.  But being aware of something happening thousands of miles away and merely signing an online petition kind of leaves me with a feeling of helplessness.  American middle-class society is inundated with every type of interest and trend.  I cannot only spend hours online, I could probably spend hours just looking at what I could buy on Amazon.com. 
            So, many issues arise stemming from the original issue of greedily wanting the best that life has to offer of music and art and literature.  I can literally eat sweets and desserts for every meal if I like, both literally and figuratively.  How is it that I can feel this combination of overwhelmed and bored?  This wealth of culture is at my fingertips.  My attention span is too short to focus long enough to really enjoy any of the unique details.  I worry a lot about possibilities that have not yet arisen, but could.  I also wonder about how to feel happy, but do not allow myself to feel happy really, because anxiety is much easier to grip onto.
            Modern life, online and in society, is a lot like being from Wyoming and all of a sudden finding yourself walking through Time Square in New York City.  There is no use pretending not to be a tourist, you decide to just relish it and allow yourself to gaze up at the fun commercialism in the bright lights.  Everyone is trying to sell you something, yes, but maybe if you kind of cross your eyes you can just enjoy the pretty colors and pretend that there is something more innocent behind the chaotic yet beautiful scene.
           It is easy to second-guess everyone’s motives in this day and age.  The other day my husband and I were discussing whether or not a certain artist sings for the sake of vanity and enjoying hearing her own voice.  Modern society is moving away from the idea that something can be wholesome or somehow divinely inspired and so beyond vanity.  It is trendy to be a popular musician, but there is something much more innocent at work behind the scenes.  I don’t know how vain the anonymous person sitting beside me on the metro is, or how I should feel when I am cut off in traffic.  I would enjoy giving up second-guessing and just start to assume the best about people.
           In politics recently they have been using the word “transparency.”  I think they want all of the Obama administration’s decisions to be available to the press and public, the opposite of the horrible secrecy of the Bush administration.  It is very brave of anyone, in any aspect of his or her life, to be transparent about their actions and why they are the way they are.  It is trendy to be cool, cold, icy.  To always be on top of your game in any situation.  You’ve got to embrace some awkwardness if you want your motives in life to be transparent to anyone who cares to notice.
          Which brings us to this strange topic of being anonymous and yet at the same time a unique individual.  I personally will probably never really stand out in any great way from the other 6 billion human beings I get to share the planet with during my lifetime.  Some entertainers get to live a certain type of dream and with it get the positive and negative consequences of tremendous fame.  I know I could not handle fame half as well as others do.  But I still grapple with living a completely obscure life, unknown except to a few friends and family members.  Still, if I got to have a microphone on the world stage, I don’t have any idea what I would say, I doubt I could be profound at all, so it is probably better for me to be obscure.

What I Am Reading Currently, Part 1

            I love to think about my reading style as a type of mosaic.  Tidbits here and there.  Many books are started, to finish at some later point when I feel so inspired.  A collage, if you will.  There are so many I am interested in at once it is almost overwhelming, but almost overwhelming in an exciting and positive way.  There are a lot of books that I have begun but that I am hardly close to finishing at all; they line bookshelves.  I do intend with all my heart to read every page of every book that I have found intriguing so far.  It may be ambitious, but I’ll just have to deal with that.  I’m planning on living to be about 95 or so, fingers crossed, so maybe I’ll meet a goal or two of mine.

            I have been beginning to read the following books recently, in no particular order:

            Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury  If anyone wants to be just flat-out inspired, please pick up this book.  It’s like Mr. Bradbury is looking you straight in the eye and telling you how it is.  I am, by nature I would try to claim, very worried and self-conscious about life.  Ray Bradbury wants you to be yourself, write about it, and in the process make life the vibrant thing it can be.

            Nights at the Circus by Angela Carter (novel)  Angela Carter, I knew before I found this book at the used bookstore, is kind of a superhero feminist.  (I say this after hearing a bit and looking her up on wikipedia.)  She seems to have died tragically young, at only the age of 51.  She makes me want to be braver when, if ever, I decide to write.  Before this novel I read a collection of strange gothic fairy tales she wrote.  Nights at the Circus so far promises to be an adventure, I love the descriptions so far.  I adore finding awesome books that I did not even have a clue existed; it makes life seem very promising.

            Invincible Summer Anthology by Nicole J. Georges (graphic novel/zine)  This collection of Georges’ illustrated journal makes me feel good about life.  The matter of fact way she deals with every day happenstance makes me feel better about issues that I usually feel awkward about.  It’s bizarrely nostalgic for me in a way, because she moved out to Portland, OR to live around the same year I did it appears.  That’s not the main reason I like it though.  I think this artist just has a great outlook on life that for me is contagious.

            Current Issue of Shambhala Sun Magazine  This issue is about how yoga and Buddhism overlaps, which has always been an interesting question for me.  What can I say, I just had to buy it to find out more.

            Current Issue of Self Magazine  I enjoy reading about how to be a healthy woman, sometimes as I’m working out on the elliptical machine at the gym, sometimes when I’m sitting on the couch.  I read somewhere that many find the nutritional tips, et cetera more depressing than helpful, but I think the magazine puts me in the mood to be healthful.

            The Unbinding by Walter Kirn (novel)  I read an article by Walter Kirn in the Atlantic I think and was immediately blown away by it.  I rushed out and bought several of his novels, but it wasn’t the right time to read them somehow, so I returned them.  (The older woman working at the bookstore at that time took it personally, and was in a huff as she let me return the pristine paperbacks.  I thought it was almost nice that she had such a personal investment in the bookstore chain.)  Now I discovered this one at the used bookstore.  Something about the clean and direct way he writes is appealing to me.

            The Likeness by Tana French (novel)  Scary!  I want to read right through it, but I am too frightened to read it when I’m alone in the house.  The whole concept of the story is very freaky.  I read a book called The Secret History by Donna Tartt that a reviewer said is similar, and that book was freaky itself, so I feel like I have a little hint of what it will turn into.

            Current Issue of Sew Simple Magazine  What can I say, I enjoy finding the craft  magazine with the best sewing projects in it, and I continue to be impressed by Sew Simple.  I am looking forward to trying the projects and sewing techniques.  Actually, I am usually won over by the most colorful, sophisticated, and aesthetically appealing of just about anything.  Unfortunately this may just be a result of living in the era of overly polished, shiny commercials, movies, et cetera, et cetera.  In this vein, I was thinking today at the bookstore about how different book covers appeal to different people. 

            Buddha is as Buddha Does by Lama Surya Das  I really enjoy any and all books written by Lama Surya Das.  He is originally from the US but spent years studying Buddhism in Asia.  I find it helpful and informative to read books on Buddhism by different authors whose writing complements each other well.

            Freestyle Handmade Bags and Skirts  Wonderful craft projects to be made in the near future by moi!  Every awesome style of skirt.  Very fun styles of handbags.  I have to hold myself back from running over to my sewing machine just thinking about all of the awesome possibilities.

            Weekend Sewing by Heather Ross  Another fun sewing book that seemed to have some of the best projects in it.

            The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche  This book is not to be read by the faint of heart.  I have been a bit obsessed with the idea of death recently, and this book spoke directly to me on this issue.  The Tibetans have a completely different perspective on death than most of us in the western world.  They believe that death should be thought of respectfully and prepared for your entire life.  Not really in a morbid way though, in a way that allows more acceptance I would say.  There are accounts in this book of Tibetan Buddhist monks who are able to greet death calmly when it is the appropriate time.  I have a lot of respect for these ideas.  I can’t say that I have come to terms with my own death yet by any means, but I believe continuing to read this book will bring me much closer to that point.

            The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching  by Thich Nhat Hanh  I have read parts of other books by Thich Nhat Hanh and I enjoy reading them all.  This particular book seems to focus on the specific guidelines of Buddhism more than any other.  Actually, the first book on Buddhism that I ever picked up was by Thich Nhat Hanh.  I really like the calming way he writes.  I feel like the reader gets a sense of how beautifully life can be led by listening to Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is a great point so far in the book where he actually talks about how you may cry when you begin to actually face the roots of your suffering in life.  This brings me to why I adore Buddhism so much.  I feel like Buddhists will admit and talk about fundamental issues of living life as a human being that no one else addresses directly at all.  When I began to learn about Buddhism, I felt like I could understand why I am the way I am as a human a lot better.